Well...I'm gonna do it!!

I posted my first entry last night and as I laid in bed thinking of starting a blog I thought WOW! That post was SO boring and not like me at all!! For those of you that know me personally, you know that I'm mouthy, funny, sarcastic, opinionated...etc. I am not bland or boring. One of the reasons I want to lose weight is so that my outside can match my inside. I've decided I'm going to be as honest as I possibly can here and for those that feel the need to make fun of me or put me down or talk about me behind my back...well those people can just kiss my ass. What I mean by my outside matching my inside is that I want to feel as free and be as outgoing in real life as I know that my personality is on the inside. In person, around people I don't know very well I am....quiet, reserved, and come off as being almost shy. For my friends they're reading that thinking YEA RIGHT!! The majority of my life has been spent being uncomfortable in my own body. There have been periods in my life that I was not only uncomfortable but where I hated body and hated myself for letting me get so fat!! This is not going to turn into a big boo hoo feel sorry for me post but I feel there's some things that need to be added here for people that don't know my story.

About me: My name is Davida. I'm 36 years old, mother of one 7 year old awesome kid, wife of Krystal. I am an only child, my dad died one week after my 21st birthday at the age of 46 from a massive heart attack. My mom is still living and my household consists of me, Krystal, my son and my mom. My dad was an alcoholic and throughout my life only got worse. He was very abusive physically and emotionally. I'm not asking for pity...I'm just filling you in on my story. My life with my dad was spent with me never being good enough...my grades, my weight, what profession I chose, he wasn't happy with anything. Now as an adult that went thru several years of therapy I know it was because he wasn't happy with himself and well, we all know misery loves company!! Anyway, long story short I turned to the one thing that could comfort me and not hurt my feelings...junk food! I am an emotional eater.

So that's enough of my back story for now...let's skip to the present and why I've decided that now is the time. My wife made an innocent comment to a mutual friend the other day and it cut to the core of me...she said something like my wife won't dance with me, she hates me. I know that it was a joke she later went on to say that I hate dancing and she loves dancing and she wishes I did too. I have never told anyone the truth about dancing. I would love to dance but I am too self conscious. I try to disappear in a room not do something to stand out in it so the last thing I'm going to do is get up in the center of the room and dance. Most anywhere I go 99% of the time I am the biggest, fattest person there....in my head I can just hear people saying wow look at that big, fat girl up there dancing, what in the hell does she think she's doing? I don't do anything to draw attention to myself...I will sit in the darkest, farthest away corner of any room that I possibly can so not alot of people will see me. I DETEST going to a restaurant to eat because I feel like people think wow she's fat enough! she doesn't need to be eating that! Or I'm scared to death I won't fit in a booth...which most of the time I don't. I have a 7 yr old son that I want to have a healthy image of himself. I don't want him to grow up and hate his body...I don't want him to have unhealthy habits and be obese but if he doesn't learn healthy habits and how to love himself at home where will he learn it?? I quit smoking a little over a year ago so I could be healthier for him and not have him around second hand smoke...also it's hard to tell your kid HEY!!! I said DON'T SMOKE!! While you're puffing on a cigarette...so I quit. BUT what good does that do when I'm still stuffing my face with a bunch of crap?? ZERO. So my main reason for getting healthier is for my son...and if I can figure out how to love me in the process well then that wouldn't be too bad either I don't suppose.